Krong!
by 4thn25
Summary: Parody of the Cooper 1933 original King Kong.


Cartman, walking up, "What's up, you guys."

Stan, "Nothing, Cartman"

Kyle, "Wanna go on my uncle's boat?"

Stan, "His boat?"

Kyle, "Yeah, it's in Seattle."

Cartman, "How are we going to get to Seattle?"

Kyle, "He's flying back there, tonight, on his own plane."

Cartman, "Oh, cool."

Kyle, "Stop saying that Cartman!"

"What, coo?"

Butters, "Uh, c-can I come with you?"

Cartman, "I don't knewwoow, Butters."

"I'll be really quiet."

Stan, mumbling, "Fat chance."

Kyle, "Okay, you can come, Butters."

-  
(Up walks a little girl)

"Hello, I'm Anne Darrow."

Stan, "What can we do for you, Ann Darrow?"

"I want to come with you, too."

Cartman, harshly, "You can't come with us!"

"But I'll be very quiet. You won't even know I'm there."

Cartman, mumbling, "Fat chance."

Kyle, "I don't know. Can you cook?"

"I can shop. I have some Cheesy Poofs."

Cartman, "Cheesy-pooves."

Kyle, "Okay then. Let's go."

-  
(boarding the Venture)

Stan, "Wow, your uncle sure owns a big ship."

Cartman, "Smells like . . fish."

Captain Krummelhorn, "You must be Kyle."

Kyle, "That's right."

Krummelhorn, "Oh, but we can't have girls on board."

Cartman, "Why not?"

Krummelhorn, "They just get in the way. They can't help it."

Kyle, "She's okay."

Krummelhorn, "Well, I don't know."

Cartman, "And get my luggage? Thank-yah"

Krummelhorn, walking away, "Um . . . I just don't know."

Kyle, "What is all that, anyway, Cartman?"

Cartman, "Just my stuff. I'll have to show you, Ann."

Stan, "Yeah, Ann, Cartman likes dressing up."

Cartman, "I don't like . . . scr- u, Stan! I'm going to my cabin."

-  
(Kyle going to the bridge)

"So where are we headed, Captain?"

"Ever heard of Skull Island?"

"Is it near Vancouver?"

"That's where we're sailing."

"San Diego?"

"No."

"Heck."

-  
(after weeks at sea)

Cartman, "Now, Ann, you're looking up . . up . . and"

Kyle, "She doesn't even fit in that dress, Cartman."

Cartman, "I wouldn't expect you to understand, being a . ."

Kyle, "What did you call me? AAaah!"

Stan, "Get off of him, Kyle!"

"AAAaaah!"

Butters, speaking to Krummelhorn, "Boy, the crew s-sure seems to be on edge."

Krummelhorn, "Can't see a thing for this mist."

Butters, "Wait, that sounds like waves."

Krummelhorn, "Land!"

Stan, "Cut it out you guys, we're here!"

Ann, "Look at that big skull, carved into the cliff."

Kyle, "There must be people on the island."

Ann, "Yes. Let's get a closer look!"

Cartman, "Yeah. I wanna see that big wall, too."

-  
(landing on the beach)

Cartman, "You hear that, guys?"

Kyle, "Sounds like drums."

Butters: "It's lucky that I h-have this gun."

Stan, "What!"

Cartman, "Let's go see."

Ann, "But I wanted to see the skull rock."

Cartman, "We'll see that next."

-  
(approaching dancing villagers in front of gate)

Chief: "wonga-ma, HA!"

Cartman, "I'm seriously, you guys."

Kyle, "Captain, you speak the language."

Krummelhorn, "Yes, the chief says he wants the golden child."

Butters, "Well, I-I . . "

Krummelhorn, "I think he means, Ann."

Butters, "And t-that's good, because I . . "

Ann, "I don't want to go."

Krummelhorn, "Yes, let's stay calm, everyone, and slowly back out of here."

Cartman, casually shuffling away, "I'm saillllinng . .

(breaks into run as he hurries to finish song)

-  
(back on the boat)

Kyle, "Is that you, Chef?"

Chef, "No, it is me, Chinese Chef. No like this business. No like."

Kyle, "Why are you talking like that?"

Chef, "Like what?"

Kyle, "I wonder what they're doing over there, right now?"

Stan, "Are those the drums, again?"

Cartman, "Where's Ann?"

Kyle, "They must have Ann!"

Stan, "Let's break out the guns."

Butters, "But I-I . . "

Stan, "I don't think you should have a gun, Butters."

Cartman, rifle in each hand, "Let's go, you guys."

-  
(back at the village, gate open as they see Kong carry Ann away)

Kyle, "Did you SEE that?"

Cartman, "I'm seriously amazed, Kyle."

Stan, "These guns are useless. We need something like a big gas bomb."

Cartman, "Why are you looking at me?"

Stan, "I don't know. I was just looking at you. We need some big gas bombs."

Cartman, "Don't look at me."

Butters, "Don't you have some back o-on-n the boat?"

Krummelhorn, "I got some right here. I thought maybe we could use them on the villagers."

Kyle, "We're going to have to follow that monkey."

Cartman, "Okay, you guys, we'll catch up after we've tossed a few of these."

Stan, "You're coming with us, Cartman."

-  
(at the log bridge)

Butters, "Hey, you guys, l-look. A tree fell and . . made a bridge."

Kyle, "C'mon Cartman. You first."

Cartman, "Not me, Butters, you go."

Butters, "Uh, I-I'd rather go last, if you . . "

Cartman, "C'mon Butters."

Butters, "You always say that."

Cartman, "There's no u . . in team, Butters."

Stan, "Butters, just go."

Butters, "uh-h . . okay, I guess I'll go, then."

(Kong starts shaking log, Butters jumps under overhang, Kong starts poking him)

Kyle, "Good Butters! Stay there until he gets tired. Then just follow him into the jungle."

Butters, "uh-h, o-okay - ouch - okay, you guys!"

Stan, "See-ya, Butters!"

Cartman, "Yeah, see-ya, Butters!"

Butters, "Uh, okay . . uh, bye then!"

-  
(back at the wall)

Cartman, "Someone's coming. It's Butters!"

Butters, "Aaah! It's right behind me!"

Stan, "I don't see . . oh, now I do."

Ann, "Are you alright, Butters?"

Cartman, "Ann!"

Ann, "Eric!"

Cartman, "Everythings okay, it's going to be okaay. Did you get to see the skull rock?"

Ann, "No, we didn't have time, what after taking a swim and catching some of the fights."

Cartman, "Well, maybe you guys . . "

Ann, "Yeah, maybe."

(villagers just manage to close bolt)

Chief, "Wanga!", waving spear menacingly at Cartman.

Cartman, calmly, "Yeah, great you guys!"

(Kong pounding on gate)

Kyle, "It's not going to hold!"

Stan, "Captain, the bombs!"

Krummelhorn, as Kong breaks gate, "Here goes."

(bomb explodes, Kong grows innocent, surprised expression, and falls down)

Cartman, "He was a king in his world. But . . "

Kyle, "Shut-up, Cartman."

Cartman, "No, listen, you guys. This is great. All we have to do is take him back to New York. And we can make ten - million - dollars!

Stan, "Dude, why New York?"

Butters, "Y-yeah, why New York?"

-

(long pause)

-

Cartman, "See, this is why I need to find friends . . . "

Stan, "Let's just go."

Cartman, "But we're taking the monkey?"

Stan, "Yes, we're taking the monkey."

Cartman, "To New York?"

Stan, "That's halfway around the world, Cartman."

Cartman, "But,", baby-talk mumbling, "he has to go to New York."

Kyle, "Fine."

-  
(pulling into Seattle)

Cartman, "This is not New York!"

Kyle, "Like we're going to sail halfway around the world just cause you say so, Cartman."

Cartman, "Weak, you guys."

Stan, "Yeah, Kyle's uncle got him a place in the Seattle Zoo."

Cartman, "No zoo can hold the mighty . . . Krong."

Stan, "Don't you mean, Kong?"

Cartman, "He was a king in his world."

Kyle, "Yeah, we know, Cartman.

Ann, "I've got to get back to South Park. My Mom is expecting some fresh cheesecake from Chicago."

Stan, "Cheesecake."

Ann, "The best cheesecake. Melts in your mouth. That's what my Mom says."

Cartman, "Mmm. Cheesecake? But . . don't you see? We make a giant cheesecake in order to hide the Mighty Krong. And then we fly him to New York with Kyle's uncle's plane."

Kyle, "That's 3000 miles, Cartman. And Krong, Kong, weighs more than the plane."

Cartman, "Ah, charade you are."

Stan, "I thought you stopped saying that?"

Cartman, "Chara . . "

Kyle, "Don't say that anymore, Cartman."

Cartman, "But, you guuyys," singsong voice, "he has to go to New York."

Stan, "So what if he has to go to New York? He's staying here."

Cartman, loudly, "You guys just don't understand! Fine! I'll do it myself. I am OUT of here."

Stan to Kyle, "What is wrong with him?"

-  
(the crew surrounding/packing Kong, laying on the deck, with a large round box)

Cartman, "That's right. Little more on the right. That's good."

Krummelhorn, "That's a strange crate to be carrying such a beast to the zoo."

Cartman, "They know what they're doing, I guueess."

Krummelhorn, "I just don't know. Is that a helicopter?"

Cartman, "I have to talk to those guys."

-  
(Cartman boards helicopter, presents piece of paper)

Pilot, "There must be some mistake, kid. This says New York."

Cartman, "Well, then it must be New York."

Pilot, "This new bird can get you 1000 miles on just one fuel tank. I'd like to see what she can do."

Cartman, "How many fuel tanks does she have?"

Pilot, "Enough for New York."

Cartman, "Good. That cheesecake isn't getting any fresher."

Pilot, "Crazy New Yorkers."

Cartman, "heh, Yeah."

-  
(chopper struggles to lift giant round box, but gets underway. Lands with Statue of Libery in background.)

Pilot, "Here we are, kid. Just put it down behind that theater?"

Cartman, "That's right. I have to look in on a few things. You'll get the check in the mail."

(Cartman hurries inside the theater as men unpack Kong)

Cartman, "You have the chains?"

Workman, "Yes."

Cartman, "Breakaway handcuffs?"

Ann, "ohhh"

Cartman, "Ann! What are you doing here?"

Ann, "Eric! I don't know. I wanted to say goodbye to Kong. And I guess they locked me inside. Ew."

Cartman, "Hurry, you guys, he's waking up."

(workmen winch Kong into place standing on platform, manicled and chained, as Stan, Kyle and Butters walk in)

Cartman, "Ahhy! How did you guys get here?"

Kyle, "We flew on my uncle's plane."

Cartman, "AccH!"

Stan, "Ann, are you alright?"

Ann, "I don't know. What's Eric doing?"

Kyle, "What have you done, Cartman?"

Cartman, "Just what I said I would. We sell tickets so people can see the Mighty Krong and make . . ten - million - dollars!"

Stan, "You know, Kyle, I mean now that we have Kong all tied up and everything, in an empty theater, in New York."

Cartman, "Right you are, Stan. Now we just have to announce the show."

Kyle, "Cartman, how did you get permission to use this theater?"

Butters, "And h-how come the stage isn't broken in two?"

Cartman, "Yes. We just have to advertise."

Ann, "I know someone in New York who's in advertising. What do we say?"

Cartman, "KRONG, 8th Wonder of the World! One night only! $10."

Ann, "Let me give them a - 10 dollars? But I worry about Kong."

Cartman, "Krong will be fine."

Kyle, "How are you going to feed him, Cartman?"

(Kong looks down, wide-eyed, innocently blinks)

Cartman, "I don't know, Kyle."

Stan, "I've got a Snickers bar, here."

Cartman, "Let me have that."

Kyle, "Maybe you should give it to Kong."

Cartman, mumbling, "Krong. Oh, alright!"

(Cartman tosses candy bar up to manicled hand of Kong, who pops it in his mouth)

Stan, "You're supposed to take off the wrapper, dude."

Cartman, "I guess we should get ready for tonight."

Kyle, "Yeah, see ya, Kong."

Cartman, "Krong!"

-  
(enter Cartman in tux, before packed audience, before lowered curtain)

Cartman, "He was a king in his world."

Kyle, distantly off stage, "Shut up, Cartman."

Cartman, "But now he is shackled, here, for your viewing pleasure. I give you Krong, the 8th Wonder of the World!"

(curtain quickly rises)

Audience member, "What is that?"

Another, "It's a balloon, from the parade, isn't it?"

Another, "No, I don't think it's a balloon, the eyes are moving."

Another, "Why can't it be a balloon? I say it's a balloon!"

Cartman, "It's a 20 foot tall monkey, dammit!"

Audience member, "Are you sure it's not a balloon? Cindy, look at the big balloon."

Another, "Well, for 10 bucks, it beats what's showing at the movies, these days."

Cartman, hoarsely shouting, "It's not a balloon!"

Reporter, off stage, "Say, Ann, do you want to go over and pose for the cameras?"

Ann, "Umm . . no?"

Reporter, "Go on, kid. Beauty and the beast, get it?"

Ann, "I get it. I'm just afraid he'll go crazy and break his restraints if he thinks you're attacking me. You see, we go back a bit, Kong and me."

Reporter, "C'mon kid."

Ann, "Alright."

(reporters start shooting flashes. Kong tries to shield his eyes, and whimpers)

Reporter, "See, kid. He doesn't mind."

(someone in front row takes out a Snickers Bar, Kong becomes agitated)

Cartman, to audience member, "No, stop!"

(Kong breaks right shackle, plays with it, opening and closing it, then breaks left shackle)

Kyle, "Run!"

-  
(Kong breaks through wall and turns to elevated train track, stops train and starts pounding on it)

Ann, "What's he doing?"

Kyle, "Dude, I think he's looking for you."

Butters, "W-we better get out of here before he starts climbing buildings."

Stan, "Let's go up there."

Cartman, "Great."

-  
(They enter hotel room)

Stan, "I think you should stay here, Ann."

Ann, "Where are you going?"

Stan, "We have to go get Kong back."

Cartman, "Krong."

Kyle, "I won't even say it, Cartman."

Ann, "He's 20 feet tall, Stan."

Stan, "But he could get hurt, out there."

Kyle, "And he's punching out trains and stepping on people."

Ann, "Good luck then."

Cartman, looking out corner window, "Nice view."

-  
(Kong climbing outside of building, sees Ann through window.)

Ann, "There you are!"

(Arm comes through, Ann walks over and jumps on, pulls back out of window, resumes climbing)

Ann, "Where are we going, Kong?"

(Kong points upward)

Ann, "Yeah, I guess. First time in New York. Might as well take in the view."

-  
(Kong reaches top, boys down at ground level talking to Barbrady-like officer)

Cartman, "Well, if we can't talk him down, you guys."

Kyle, "What do you mean talk him down? He's at the top of the Empire State Building!"

Cartman, screaming, "Hey, monkah! . . . No, I guess there's no talking him down."

Stan, "Good going, Cartman."

Kyle, "Officer, maybe we can lure him back down."

Officer, "With what?"

Stan, "Or maybe we can stun him? You know, like back on the island. We just need a big gas bomb."

Cartman, "Why, Stan, . . . wha?"

Stan, "I'm just looking at you, Cartman."

Kyle, "Stan, he'd fall off the building."

Butters, "First get some p-planes to rope him against the building."

Cartman, "Or . . you guys, we can scare him down."

Officer, "How?"

Cartman, "Buzz him. Fire some warning shots."

Officer, "Yes, we could fire warning shots. That's a great idea! I'll be right back."

Kyle, "Geez, Cartman, you want to shoot at him?"

Stan, "Ann's up there!"

Cartman, "Just to scare him."

Kyle, shouting, "Just to scare him?"

Cartman, "I think I understand my monkah. You see, you guys, he won't hurt Ann. He'll have to come down to save her. Then we catch him. And then we . . "

Stan, "Yeah, ten million dollars."

Cartman, mumbling, "ten-million-doll".

Kyle, "What if he doesn't come down?"

(planes start to fire on Kong, holding on to tower with one hand, and he swipes at planes)

Butters, "I say they s-should have used ropes."

Cartman, "That's it, Krong! Hit that plane - hah!"

Kyle, "Yeah, Kong!"

Stan, "He's not coming down, Cartman."

Cartman, "He'll tire himself out. Did you see that one? KRONG!"

Stan, "Dude, they're going to kill him!"

Cartman, "They're not going to kill him. He'll get tired and come down."

Stan, "Cartman, they're shooting right at him. He's looking at the blood on his chest!"

Cartman, "Oh, yeah! Stop killing my monkah!"

(Kong puts hand to his head, sighs with head back, and plummets. Ann comes out the door.)

Stan, "Ann! Are you okay?"

Ann, "I took the elevator. Kong?"

Kyle, "Kong's dead."

Cartman, "He's dead, Ann."

Ann, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Eric."

Cartman, lamenting, "Poor Krong.", Cartman continues, "But you know, I learned something today. It wasn't airplanes that killed the beast. It was . . "

Officer, "I beg to differ. They shot him down."

Kyle, "Yeah, Cartman. The airplanes killed him."

Cartman, "No dammit! It wasn't the planes that killed Krong. It was beauty that killed the beast!"

Kyle, "Cartman, it was the planes."

Ann, "I have to agree, Eric. It was the planes."

Stan, "Didn't you see, Cartman? They shot him until he was so weak . . "

Cartman, "No, you guys. It was beauty!"

Ann, "On second thought. Thank you, Eric."

Cartman, mumbling, "yeah-cause-it was beauty."

Stan, "It was beauty."

Kyle, "That's a lot to clean up. Maybe we should go. My uncle's plane is still at the airport."

Cartman, "Can I come, too, you guys?"

Kyle, "NO! Cartman."

Cartman, baby voice, "Can I, pleease?"

Ann, "Oh, Kyle. Let Eric come."

Kyle, "Fine."

(Officer approaching)

Cartman, waddling quickly, "C'mon, let's go you guys."

-  
(back at South Park)

Kyle, "I can't believe Kong is dead."

Cartman, "I should have said - no candy."

Stan, "What? Cartman, how did you . . . "

Cartman, "But you know, I learned something else, today. Next time, I'm going to get a dinosaur."

Kyle, "Sick, Cartman. You didn't learn anything. And you didn't get ten million dollars."

Cartman, "I will next time."

Stan, "Kyle's uncle will probably beat you to it. It's still his ship."

Kyle, "But the Captain quit. I think he went crazy."

Stan, "So no one else knows how to get to the island?"

Cartman, "Sweet."


End file.
